Bona Fide

In the fabricated nicety rampant throughout town, she was different. Keeping it all real was like trying to coax an unleashed tiger back into its cage – a hopeless, disconcerting task that would bite if failed. “Hell, I don’t get how this is even a psychological disorder. Are these people insane? Why me?” she mumble inaudibly to herself and the white walls that surrounded her, hands tugging at the locks that held her wrists loosely.

Clearly, this was a world she fathomed could only be thought by idiots. Why would everyone act all nice, only to blabber begrudgingly once their backs were turned? Being uncompromisingly forthright was a taboo here, and it was as if it was Christmas all year round, what with velvet lights strewn all over town. There was obviously so much more than what it appeared at the seams. Was genuinity so last century?

Ever Enough

For all that it’s worth is it worth it
There’s more than this heart you’re deserting
For all that’s it worth is it worth it
How can we know without searching

3 years has gone by in a blur. I’ve gained and lost, and looking back it feels like I almost don’t recognise myself anymore. Hm.

Day 5!

What??? It’s only Day 5??? The days are crawling by ever so slowly…my swelling has reached its peak and I’m still mega swollen in the face when I wake up in the morning. Guess it’s normal, hopefully the swelling is at least not getting worser by the days? Most people would start deflating after Day 4-6, hope mine starts going down soon…It’s hard to talk and my jaw still clicks at the joints whenever I make a huge head movement. Sigh.

I am positive though! I’m thankful that at least I’m so much more functional than I expected myself to be since Day 1. Shall make it a point to rest earlier tonight so I can have a more productive day tomorrow. May I wake up to a less swollen day~

 

 

Tangibility

If it doesn’t hurt, it’s not important to you.

Memories

What, exactly, is the value of a memory? Every night, our mind does a filter of whatever that’s happened in the day, and thereafter chooses what we retain more strongly or sort of discard of, although we vaguely know that they don’t actually completely disappear. Remember that time when you were in the midst of doing something, and then a random whiff of a familiar smell or a sudden crashing of deja vu swept you off your feet, and them BAM, you suddenly remembered something from more than a decade ago, something you never thought happened until you got reminded of it?

Our brain (scumbag) doesn’t actually forget anything. We just need to be reminded of it. Yet, do we always want to be reminded of something we’ve long forgotten?

Are memories actually important? If say, things were going all fine, but you suddenly got reminded of a small shard of a bitter memory when it flashed across your head without any warning – would it ruin your day? Memories differ in strength, and it’s such a pain how many of the stronger ones, are those that have hurt you immensely, affected you devastatingly, or caused you misery to the depths of a bottomless pit in some way or another before. Bah.

There are many bits of painful memories I remember. It was painful when I felt put down. Or when I was uncared for, like I was invisible or not worth the love. It was painful when he/she said something to hurt me so bad but they didn’t know it was happening. It was painful when that person at that time wasn’t there. It was painful when I did not feel accepted. Or important. Or capable. Or good enough. Mainly, not being good enough so much so that you doubt yourself. It really was extremely painful.

Still, what remains to be is that it no matter how many painful memories we’ve had, we don’t grow immune to pain. Ha. The magnitude of the pain will still always demand to be felt. It never gets easier. While I like to be optimistic (most of the time), I’m pretty much still a practical person.

I know, I know. There’re plenty of wonderful memories of many beautiful things, experiences, and people that we definitely have accumulated throughout the years. Are still accumulating. And will continue to accumulate. Never doubted that. I just preferred to address the negative, because it’s always the negative that tends to hold us back in the moment and make us commit to the wrong decisions at that point in time.

That said, looking forward to creating better memories in future. Aside from the bad.