Bona Fide

In the fabricated nicety rampant throughout town, she was different. Keeping it all real was like trying to coax an unleashed tiger back into its cage – a hopeless, disconcerting task that would bite if failed. “Hell, I don’t get how this is even a psychological disorder. Are these people insane? Why me?” she mumble inaudibly to herself and the white walls that surrounded her, hands tugging at the locks that held her wrists loosely.

Clearly, this was a world she fathomed could only be thought by idiots. Why would everyone act all nice, only to blabber begrudgingly once their backs were turned? Being uncompromisingly forthright was a taboo here, and it was as if it was Christmas all year round, what with velvet lights strewn all over town. There was obviously so much more than what it appeared at the seams. Was genuinity so last century?

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Bona Fide

Day 5!

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What??? It’s only Day 5??? The days are crawling by ever so slowly…my swelling has reached its peak and I’m still mega swollen in the face when I wake up in the morning. Guess it’s normal, hopefully the swelling is at least not getting worser by the days? Most people would start deflating after Day 4-6, hope mine starts going down soon…It’s hard to talk and my jaw still clicks at the joints whenever I make a huge head movement. Sigh.

I am positive though! I’m thankful that at least I’m so much more functional than I expected myself to be since Day 1. Shall make it a point to rest earlier tonight so I can have a more productive day tomorrow. May I wake up to a less swollen day~

 

 

Day 5!

Memories

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What, exactly, is the value of a memory? Every night, our mind does a filter of whatever that’s happened in the day, and thereafter chooses what we retain more strongly or sort of discard of, although we vaguely know that they don’t actually completely disappear. Remember that time when you were in the midst of doing something, and then a random whiff of a familiar smell or a sudden crashing of deja vu swept you off your feet, and them BAM, you suddenly remembered something from more than a decade ago, something you never thought happened until you got reminded of it?

Our brain (scumbag) doesn’t actually forget anything. We just need to be reminded of it. Yet, do we always want to be reminded of something we’ve long forgotten?

Are memories actually important? If say, things were going all fine, but you suddenly got reminded of a small shard of a bitter memory when it flashed across your head without any warning – would it ruin your day? Memories differ in strength, and it’s such a pain how many of the stronger ones, are those that have hurt you immensely, affected you devastatingly, or caused you misery to the depths of a bottomless pit in some way or another before. Bah.

There are many bits of painful memories I remember. It was painful when I felt put down. Or when I was uncared for, like I was invisible or not worth the love. It was painful when he/she said something to hurt me so bad but they didn’t know it was happening. It was painful when that person at that time wasn’t there. It was painful when I did not feel accepted. Or important. Or capable. Or good enough. Mainly, not being good enough so much so that you doubt yourself. It really was extremely painful.

Still, what remains to be is that it no matter how many painful memories we’ve had, we don’t grow immune to pain. Ha. The magnitude of the pain will still always demand to be felt. It never gets easier. While I like to be optimistic (most of the time), I’m pretty much still a practical person.

I know, I know. There’re plenty of wonderful memories of many beautiful things, experiences, and people that we definitely have accumulated throughout the years. Are still accumulating. And will continue to accumulate. Never doubted that. I just preferred to address the negative, because it’s always the negative that tends to hold us back in the moment and make us commit to the wrong decisions at that point in time.

That said, looking forward to creating better memories in future. Aside from the bad.

Memories

Tough times don’t last, tough people do?

This has been a challenging week for me.

Teaching and interacting with the students this week has been the only saving grace. Receiving Teacher’s Day presents is only the tip of the iceberg – the messages they’ve written for me really warms my heart and makes me light up so much. Other than that, it makes me extremely heartened to know they’ve also improved, whether in terms of their composition, comprehension, or even cloze passages and grammar – I notice every small bit of improvement and when I see it reflected in their results, it makes me more confident that I have not made the wrong decision to choose teaching, because seeing these kids grow and learn is really the greatest reward of the job. It’s possible to impart so much to them other than just academic knowledge – whether it’s in terms of values, life lessons, teaching them to interact and accept each other, or make them excitable about the ever changing world out there, At the same time, there’s so much I learn from them (and their parents) as well, because it’s through the children than you can tell so much about the parenting they have received and it’s ever so enlightening.

At the same time, though, it’s also very frustrating how we have to travel across so many facilities in a week (and sometimes even 2-3 places in a day). And the marking……An insurmountable mountain that never paves off.

I’ve also been rather heavy hearted and dispirited this week too. Sometimes, I feel so alone. While I’m perfectly comfortable in my own skin, and would go out alone to chill, get work done, shopping, exercising – basically everything, I still feel so alone sometimes. It almost makes me feel like I’m perpetually joyless and only have bad thoughts inside my head that I don’t know how to convey to anyone else about. I feel lost and confused, and I miss my dad.

When I went for the Election Rally, it just hit me so hard how I could have probably gone with my Dad if he was still around, and not alone like I was that day. It would have been nice if I could have shared that with him. And that bastardly ringing sound that I hear in the double decked buses only remind me of the cruel, whirring sound that drained the life out of us all during the weeks in that hospital room. If he was around, maybe a lot of things would be very different. And the path I would have charted for myself would have been different just because he was around. And maybe I would still be eating apples, because I no longer eat them anymore although they used to be my most favourite, irreplaceable fruit.

I am so jaded. What’s the difference between being in one, if I still feel alone?

Tough times don’t last, tough people do?

Amsterdam Feels

It’s been almost 4 years (oh my god did time just fly past like that?) since that summer in Europe, and I still honestly think it was one of the most fabulous periods in my life. Amsterdam was exciting, overwhelming, stimulating, and beautiful all at once.

SAM_1811(P.S: Wei Ling in 2011)

SAM_1842Amsterdam Centraal (no it’s not a typo) – I have no idea why, but the sight of this train station really wow-ed me at that time, or maybe I was too overly excited hahaha

SAM_1897Very beautiful architecture

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SAM_2040First hand Heineken experience guys

SAM_2028Cheers to foamy beer – my absolute love

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Oh dear Europe when will I get to go back to you next? Well I could do it next year, but there’s still Australia that I’ve yearned to go for the longest time, and many many many other places as well. Someone donate money $ to my travel fund please!

Amsterdam Feels