Memories

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What, exactly, is the value of a memory? Every night, our mind does a filter of whatever that’s happened in the day, and thereafter chooses what we retain more strongly or sort of discard of, although we vaguely know that they don’t actually completely disappear. Remember that time when you were in the midst of doing something, and then a random whiff of a familiar smell or a sudden crashing of deja vu swept you off your feet, and them BAM, you suddenly remembered something from more than a decade ago, something you never thought happened until you got reminded of it?

Our brain (scumbag) doesn’t actually forget anything. We just need to be reminded of it. Yet, do we always want to be reminded of something we’ve long forgotten?

Are memories actually important? If say, things were going all fine, but you suddenly got reminded of a small shard of a bitter memory when it flashed across your head without any warning – would it ruin your day? Memories differ in strength, and it’s such a pain how many of the stronger ones, are those that have hurt you immensely, affected you devastatingly, or caused you misery to the depths of a bottomless pit in some way or another before. Bah.

There are many bits of painful memories I remember. It was painful when I felt put down. Or when I was uncared for, like I was invisible or not worth the love. It was painful when he/she said something to hurt me so bad but they didn’t know it was happening. It was painful when that person at that time wasn’t there. It was painful when I did not feel accepted. Or important. Or capable. Or good enough. Mainly, not being good enough so much so that you doubt yourself. It really was extremely painful.

Still, what remains to be is that it no matter how many painful memories we’ve had, we don’t grow immune to pain. Ha. The magnitude of the pain will still always demand to be felt. It never gets easier. While I like to be optimistic (most of the time), I’m pretty much still a practical person.

I know, I know. There’re plenty of wonderful memories of many beautiful things, experiences, and people that we definitely have accumulated throughout the years. Are still accumulating. And will continue to accumulate. Never doubted that. I just preferred to address the negative, because it’s always the negative that tends to hold us back in the moment and make us commit to the wrong decisions at that point in time.

That said, looking forward to creating better memories in future. Aside from the bad.

Memories

Discrepancies

A large, substantial part of our lives is spent falling in line – of expectations made of us, of sticking yourself in a literal or metaphorical queue for whatever it is, or simply blending in with your surrounds just so you don’t stick your ass out like a sore thumb. Why do we try so hard? Sure, we are indeed somewhat biologically wired to want to fit in societally, because we are social creatures and thrive on the acknowledgement of our social groups. We sway to group pressures and bend in conformity, obsess over broadcasting our status, and act like someone we’re not. Does this actually do more harm than good? What if you don’t belong?

Oh dear irony that is us, to want to assert our own individuality yet constantly seek affirmation from others.

Discrepancies

Loss

Lose something everyday – the art of losing isn’t hard to master. It’s also important,¬†for that sense of loss glossing by every time something slips from the fingers of your possession makes you that much more conscious about things you already have on your hold. It teaches you to hold on to some tighter, and definitely not to hold onto some too tightly. So what have you lost today?

Loss

Deadlock

Tonight I was so angry and frustrated I bitched about it to my best friend, talked about it over the phone with another friend, came home and told my mum and sis about it and then I burst into tears halfway because I was just so frustrated and annoyed

Sometimes I still feel like I’m such a kid even though I’m turning 24 this year

I can’t believe I’m 24 this year

Deadlock

A Perfect Interaction

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It flicks a little more to the right, opening up just a tad more space to engulf whatever there was there in. It’s done, a vague and seemingly insignificant act of nonchalance that never knew what it had coming. And just like that, a little becomes a little more, a little more till there’s no more it can hold, before it overflows like gushes of spring dusting away the whites of winter – colours filling white void, life replacing the emptiness of still.

It’s everything she needs, it’s everything she never knew she wanted and never dared to have when it was¬†bestowed to her on a day just like any another. It’s extraordinary.

A Perfect Interaction

The Shivering Hearts

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She never knew what it was that drew her to it, like a firefly drawn to the warmth of a precarious lampshade drawing lazy oscillations in the silent air. The night was cold, but the snug hues of the light that woke something inside her bathed her soul with comfort. Is this it? Is this really going to be it, moving on to the next phase of whatever there is to come? She was happy, contented, hopeful and forward looking, she told herself. Y’know how you gotta lie to yourself, him or her, whatever, sometimes to find out the truth? Yet the truth sometimes provide you with no value at all, and maybe, just maybe, the truth is that she didn’t really want to know it at all. So there, marry this hope with a little mirth, hesitation and boldness, and we’re good to go.

The Shivering Hearts

Expectations – the rise and fall

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What does one do with expectations? When they’re not met, do you lower them and choose to tuck those bouts of disappointment in, or would you remain persistent and justify why it is perfectly alright to possess your own standards? To that, I say hold onto them, to not put yourself in a situation where you keep lowering them, because you deserve every bit that you desire for. Happiness does not teach us to be happy as much as sadness does. Likewise, disappointments teach us much more about gratitude than having just what you need does. So allow yourself to be disappointed from time to time, embrace it. Because when the right one comes along and proves to you just how you’ve been rational and reasonable all along, that’s when you know you better be cherishing this whom has risen above the rest and given you more than you thought he would.

Expectations – the rise and fall