I think the continuous numbing of myself over the years have made me pretty much void of emotions these days. Like, y’know, just numb. Not feeling anything is worse than feeling something sometimes, and nope you probably don’t get what I mean. Like when someone asks you what are you thinking, how’re you supposed to explain that you’re actually really not feeling anything when you’re supposed to feel something then like everyone else? Have gotten used to blocking out certain feelings, and so used to having people leave that I don’t pine for people anymore, don’t feel that sad when people leave anymore, and don’t miss things with as much intensity as before. My mind’s a blank canvas half the time. Only now have I realized how much that loss changed me – how I’ve become both stronger and more independent, yet vulnerable and dumb, stupid and foolish at the same time, and how I’ve hardened yet become a worse pile of mush when things fall apart.
Need a break to think, to feel again, to find the old me passionate for things, where I was always secretly still optimistic about most things in spite of bleak complaints occasionally. Like y’know, when you’re around people, you’re generally expected to keep up a happy, bubbly front that’s all smiles and conversation and good humor. While inside you’re like, fuck, there’re so many things I wanna say but I think you can’t be bothered to listen so it’s okay I’ll bury this inside and numb it and don’t worry I won’t ever bring it up because I don’t want to burden you and see you react awkwardly not knowing what to do don’t worry I’ll sleep and get over it.
School’s getting so crazy suddenly and I have no idea why my final semester is so packed with work when it’s not supposed to be this way at all. I wish my mum would let me work in a cafe for like a couple of months after graduating just to y’know, let me reorientate myself again. Would she ever understand though? A straight up hell fucking no.
And no guys, I’m not attached. For those who were wondering.
I don’t know what it is I’ve given up on that makes me feel so lackluster these days, but it sure seems to a fucking truckload of stuff.
Am supposed to be memorizing my script for an 8am presentation tomorrow so I really shouldn’t have been ranting here. Felt like I needed to get this off though.