It can be pretty terrifying how emotions can consume your entire being in a flash, leaving you breathless and grappling back for control. Anger, irritability and anxiety overwhelm in suffocatingly fast waves. And in that instant when you catch yourself amidst the negativity, and remind thyself to not feel that way, a sense of guilt and helplessness intertwine to make up an even more complex state of being that fills me up with an awkwardness laced with disgust. Yeah, just add to the party of emotions that burn me to the deep chambers of hell, why don’t you.

This is wearing me out, and I wish I knew where to seek shelter and enlightenment from all this negativity that has been making appearances too frequently in my life these days. I feel like crap half the time, and it doesn’t help that I get super annoyed easily these days. Which then makes me feel like a crappier person. Mostly towards just that one person I owe my life to.

I feel terribly guilty for acting this way and I don’t know how to fix it. I try and I fail, I try and I succeed that once or twice, and the tiresome cycle repeats itself for as long as my worn soul can remember. Why can’t I just overlook the past and fix this attitude of mine. Shouldn’t I just let bygones be bygones, and extinguish that tame flame of blame that resides in the deep secret hearth I try to pretend doesn’t exist. I hate this ugly, fugly side of mine, and I wish this isn’t the me that I know and have known.

existentialism  (ˌɛɡzɪˈstɛnʃəˌlɪzəm)
— n
a modern philosophical movement stressing the importance of personal experience and responsibility, and the demands that they make on the individual, who is seen as a free agent in a deterministic and seemingly meaningless universe

I think I finally understand why she acts the way she does. She’s alienated, feeling like she has been forsaken in the big picture of everyone else’s lives. It’s important to make someone feel like she matters, because only then will she possess that fire to forward herself and hopefully become a happier person. I’ve been feeling that these days especially during times when I’m not preoccupied. I don’t know how to help her, and I don’t know how to help myself. What can you do when someone’s resistance to change is solidified after years of fossil impression?

There’re days I tell myself to just settle, because yes, I’m a lesser being. And I end up just settling, like many others do. To just let things be, because phasing change in is tough. But then there come days where I tell myself that things cannot remain this way, because there’s just one life to live and we should not afford to just leave things as they are.

And that’s where this comes in again – a fervent prayer for blessings of betterment.

Words have failed me for days, but writing this out has been therapeutic in its own way. I feel capable of trying harder now.

Just keep faith in that by hoping for better times when you’re going through bad ones, it keeps that optimist makeup of your personality intact and polished.

We could all use a little optimism.


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